School ended for Wayne and I on Wednesday. We got our report cards back and I can't say I'm not pleased. All A's except for a B in history xD I wonder what I did wrong with history. I thought I actually did okay, I checked my answers rigorously in the book and read the chapters thoroughly. Oh well, can't win 'em all.

High school... big bad high school. I hadn't been sure at first if I wanted to go back to regular school or if I wanted to stay in homeschooling, but  I guess the decision was sort of made for me when we had to sign the papers for next year. Dotti made it sound a lot more exciting and challenging though-- Wayne and I get to take two online classes and interact with other students from this program in Berkley. A college professor gives us our grades (oooh nooz! ). I'm not exactly sure what two classes they are yet but I'm about 99% sure one of them is going to be Algebra 1 for me.

Crap. I couldn't do Pre-Algebra and they're giving me Algebra 1?

It's supposed to be more visual and actually takes you through the steps, so hopefully it's bone-headed enough for me. Dotti told Wayne he gets to take AP english and I'm taking Honors. Now don't get me wrong, I'm quite flattered that she's letting me take Honors (because she knows how much I despise the other textbooks) but I took AP in eighth grade. Why can't I take AP again? *cries*

She said the online program is very rigorous because you must log online every single day. I don't think I'll have a problem with that, do you? ^-^

This is hilarious, I swear. Someone on my myspace posted it:

=follow these steps [in order of course]
=
=1. go to www.google.com
=
=2. click on maps
=
=3. click on get directions
=
=4. go from new york, new york to paris, france
=
=5. scroll down in the directions to number 23
=
=6. laugh and then re-post this ASAP so other people can
--------

As long as it's not 3,500 miles I'd say it's doable xD

We just finished the Youth/Adult league at the bowling alley. Trophies were given out for the youth and first place/second place.

Now I'm not one for this sort of stuff to go to my head, but WE FRICKIN' WON!

This is the FIRST time I've ever gotten a trophie I actually earned. *cough* You know all those sports when you're kids- softball, t-ball- I got trophies for those just because I was a kid. I quit softball because I hated it and i was in t-ball when I was like 4.

I got a high-score game trophy for a 163 game, a huge first-place trophy (the other has boobs, this one doesn't... o.o), a most-improved average patch and a youth champion patch. Yay! We went out for ice cream afterwards.

Zsofi don't kill me but I never talked to that girl o.o I actually gave her the cold shoulder tonight. Because I'm like that. I didn't stare at her (that she knew of xD). She looked at me but I didn't look at her, so we never really made eye contact. I figure I still have some time... she goes there a lot with her family. And we joined another league that her family might be joining, so cross your fingers. *don't smack me!*

*sigh* Life is good, my friends.

I went to the dentist Tuesday and god was that ever terrible. First of all, he's like 6o years old and he insists on calling me 'my dear'. "Alright my dear, just raise your hand if it hurts and we'll stop." Well I raised the freaking hand and he didn't do anything! He gave me the anesthetic shot but he didn't wait for it to kick in before he started drilling. Afterwards half my face was numb and it felt like someone had drilled a hole in my head. *shudder*

I started a new Cath/Sara story on ff.net that I'm excited about though =D

Have you ever liked someone but was too shy to talk to them? It kind of sucks...

I'm human. We all have our insecurities. Some have it harder than others. Some people have to deal with abuse, other lose a loved one. Sometimes I just feel like I'm being a baby. I can't let go of the past, no matter how hard I try. And I've tried hard... I really, really have.

Now looking back it just hurts when I realize how much of my life was spent lying to myself to be happy. Those people weren't my friends. Those people hurt me more than anyone else in the entire world. They scarred me, and it won't go away.

A doctor or parental figure would say to just put some Neosporin on those scars, "Don't worry, they'll go away soon." Is there an emotional-metaphorical Neosporin? These are the kind that won't go away, no matter how hard you try.

They're holding me back and keeping people from seeing my true side. Catherine and Wayne can't stand to hear me talk because I can't let go of the past. I want to feel human again. How?

Sometimes all I think I need is someone to listen, to give me that encouraging nod and smile, that "Mm-hmm" of acknowledgement. But I don't want to put that weight on someone else's shoulders. Everyone else has things to deal with already, why add me to their list of worries? It's not important. It would be me being selfish. I'm small fry compared to other things. $30 million deals in Mexico, health matters, school, bullies, divorace, high school graduation, college classes, child custody, that ass at work. I'm unimportant. "This is adolescent angst, she'll grow out of it." "It's just her age." "We all deal with those things." "I know it sucks."

I know I'm stronger than this and it's pissing me off that I'm giving this this power over me, that I'm letting it rule me. No one rules me, I'm my own person. At least I thought I was. Who knew the model student, the... class prodigy, straight-A student would be this screwed up? I'm not sugarcoating a damn thing here. I'm done with that.

Who knew kids could be so cruel? I'm not saying I never did anything, I never said that... but actions speak louder than words. Those people made my life a fucking nightmare and I can't just let go of that. I went into therapy because of them for goodness sake. And they didn't think a thing was wrong. Not one thing.

They lied to me. They hurt me. They abused me. They walked all over me. They scarred me. But I now know who I can trust. Maybe with time the carring will go away. I'm smiling again. I haven't gone back to that wretched place, that... black loneliness they put me in, the corner they sent me to. I was brought out of it and I'm never planning on going back ever again.

It's officially no longer 2006. It's 2007 now. It's the first day of 2007... and I'm still waking up. I don't feel any different. I don't look any different. I don't smell any different (that I know of). Christmas went by so quickly in '06... and I can't help but feel as though maybe we've missed something. Forgotten something. Maybe it's just because 2006 went by so swiftly... a year has never gone by as fast as 2006 did.

For Christmas I received $295 in cash, $30 in iTunes music cards, CSI: Senses, CSI: season six on DVD, Hercules on DVD, Soul Calibur 3 for PS2, an Ellen DeGeneres DVD set, Final Fantasy III for Nintendo DS, a Pokemon game for the DS, a bag and a bowling ball. Good haul, huh? Well honestly I think I would've enjoyed Christmas a lot better if it had actually felt like Christmas. I mean I got up early and still had that semi-queasy feeling in my stomach I get every Christmas morning because I'm excited, but... it didn't feel like it should've been Christmas. It felt too early.

We went to Grandma and Grandpa's to celebrate and I would've liked everything a lot better if everyone was in a better spirit. I didn't really feel the love, per say. Everyone was happy, but everything would've been so much better if Grandma wasn't feeling so bad. If Uncle Paul didn't have to worry about so many things. If Mom didn't have to balance the world on her shoulders. If we weren't all coughing up our lungs with this damn cold. If Paulie could bare to be without Cassie for ONE second...

I just feel like it went by so fast we never got the chance to just stop and take it all in. Just... stop and smell the roses. We never got to do this in 2006. Everything was moving so fast, everyone was always so busy, everyone always had something they had to do or somewhere they had to be, someone they needed to see. We never once just stopped, relaxed, and put up the 'do not disturb' sign for the world to see. There were always appointments to go to or something else to attend to.

I intend to change that.